Put Out An APB On A “Moses”. Armed And Thick.
You know what I hate? Well, yes. You do. Everything. Simon Cowell, for example, goes against everything I stand for, and the ENTIRE news media makes me want to attempt a removal of my cerebral cortex using a melon baller, an industrial sand blaster and those pointy things you use to hold sweetcorn with. HOWEVER, over the last couple of months, I’ve developed what some might call an unhealthy, zealous and frankly terrifying opposition to something I was already fairly intensely against. It begins with an ‘R’ and ends with an ‘eligion’.
That’s right. I really fucking hate religion. Fuck you. I don’t care what you think.
Now, I’ll admit, there are some good things to be said for the achievements of religion, but I don’t care about those, because any fucker could have done them, and in a lot of cases have. They just didn’t have access to a worldwide network of unsettlingly cheerful people, so nobody got the word out. But I digress.
You may be asking what’s brought this on. I’ve been sitting here for years, quietly fuming about people like Stephen Green, chief CUNT of the universe, and occasionally having a bit of a shout, but I’ve NEVER done anything like this before, and should probably explain myself!
Well I’ll explain, if you’ll let me get my words out! JESUS. And no. It’s just a word. I’ll say jesus as an expletive if I want, what’re you going to do about it?
On Sunday night, there was a programme on Channel 4. This programme was called “The Bible: A History”. Ok, this is kind of acceptable. There have been programmes on about other works of fiction, I suppose this is fairly normal, but then you realise that it’s presented by Anne “Twat” Widdecombe MP. This is an alleged woman (I’m not so sure, and I don’t think anyone’s ever actually confirmed it) who converted from C of E to Roman Catholicism in protest at the ordination of female priests. I dare say the C of E was gutted. This is a woman who lived with her mother until 2007, when her mother died, aged 95. Widdecombe was 59. This is, very obviously, a bad spokesperson for ANYTHING, so it’s clearly a fairly poor decision to allow her to speak on behalf of, in this case, the ten commandments. Basically, somebody has made the decision that in order to make religion seem presentable, they have to attach someone to the programme who is at least 94% annoying by volume.
Widdecombe then proceeds to interview several “impartial sources”, such is the procedure for making documentaries. Oh no, sorry, that’s wrong, isn’t it. I meant to say that she interviewed a bunch of religious leaders, achieving slightly less than absolutely fuck all. She then “interviewed” (by which I mean interrupted) two of my favourite people, Christopher Hitchens and Stephen Fry, both of whom walked out on her, after making her look very silly and forcing her to just repeat her frankly irrelevant points in a poor attempt to win. Think about that for a moment. It’s her programme, she has at least some editorial control, and she still looks shit.
The basic attempt of the programme was to make the point that the ten commandments are important and relevant today (which they aren’t) and also to teach a bit about their origins. This got me to thinking about the situation. Basically, you can disprove the importance of the ten commandments using only stories from the bible itself.
Before returning to Egypt to free the slaves, Moses was some kind of dead important chap, but had to flee Egypt when he killed a slave-driver who was being a bit heavy handed.
So what that tells us is that there was already precedent for killing people to be a crime/”sin”, otherwise why would he have fled? What it also teaches us is that according to the book of Exodus, a person can be as complacent as he wants, not help those less fortunate, and take advantage of their toils, as long as at the end of it you drown a fuckload of Egyptian soldiers who were, let’s face it, just trying to protect their investment, and lead a group of Jews around a desert for FORTY FUCKING YEARS.
There’s other proof too, but that’s all I can be bothered with. If you want more information, read the bible. It’s written by a bloke called Jesus Horatio Christ, and can be found in the ‘classic fiction’ section of your local bookshop.
